There was a general on TV called Moshe something or other; he had evil eyes, a crooked smile and an ill-fitting suit. He was telling one of those lovely ladies from CNN how heroic the Israeli Air Force is. What is irritating about TV is that as viewer you can’t ask questions. I want to know if John Wayne was gay, I thought perhaps Moshe Whathisname might know, given that they were both in the army.

In the olden days when all our heroes were gay, heroism was totally different. John Wayne would charge the Japanese under intense gunfire and killed a couple of dozen of them with three bullets, and then he’d hoist the flag over Iwo Jima and everybody thought that it was bloody marvelous. Rock Hudson would hold his hand and then the two of them would smoke a Marlboro, gaze into the sunset, and dream of the boys back home.

Alexandra the Great and Lawrence of Arabia were gay so that proves my point. Heroes are gay.

It’s all gone down the gurgler since they started hiring heterosexuals to fight wars. It was a big mistake when the American Army modified its regulations and threw all the gay lads out of the regiment, up until then America hardly ever lost. For some mysterious reason the gay girls were allowed to stay as long as they promised not to make a fuss of the gayness.

The next guest on telly was a very large, very muscular, very handsome queen, who said he was an undercover operative that did ambushes killing people for the Jews in Lebanon. He didn’t smoke Marlboro, so I became suspicious of him quite early on, but he’s terribly heroic scampering about at night as he does with boot polish on his nose. But sadly he hasn’t killed quite as many hetro’s as John Wayne, never mind ducks!

Nobody knows if the people of Beirut are gay or not, as this is no time to conduct an opinion poll but my guess is they are straight as they seem to be losing. They don’t have guns or an air force, which rather hinders them on what I call the ‘John Travolta’s’…staying alive…staying alive.

The lads in the Israeli Air Force each get a fifty million dollar plane free of charge from the Americans, and they get to fight like John Wayne in a war where no one can shoot back. They must be gay as they are doing so well, then again, they can’t be gay as there is nothing heroic about slaughtering people from above if the people below are ten years old, unarmed, and clutching their teddy bears. It’s all terribly confusing.

The Hate-Bollah must be straight as far as I can tell because they are loosing, according anyway to another lovely lady on telly called, Have-a-Gorani who works for CNN; she was standing in a bomb crater explaining it all to me. Don’t ask me what a Gorani is, I just don’t know. But it’s not food or the Lebanese would have eaten it by now. They are starving.

Freddy Mercury was gay and I think he might have been Lebanese or Arabic or something down that way. We all like Freddy, it’s a shame he can’t pop over and help out.

 

© Stuart Wilde 2006
www.stuartwilde.com

I looked it up on Google: Freddy was a Moslem born in Zanzibar, near Africa. They don’t fight in Zanzibar because there are not a lot of people there and they need everyone they’ve got, so someone else will have to handle the Jews and the Hate-Bollah.