Tony Blair is off to the Caribbean with his wife and kids, and Bush has gone to Crawford, Texas, to ride a horse and pretend he’s John Wayne, and Hitler’s at the seaside with his trousers rolled up and a knotted hanky on his head, and all the kids the Jews haven’t slaughtered yet are splashing about having a marvelous time.

The President of Persia who is 5ft 2" (Attila the Hun was a midget), has decided the way to solve the problem is to rub out Israel. What is really scary is he means it. The Pressy of Syria (6ft 5"), who has the largest stockpile of weapons that fire germs in the Middle East, is not going on holiday just yet, as all the flights to Majorca are booked out. I’ve-Come-to-Please-You-Rice has her own plane so she can go to the beach whenever she fancies it. But she’s refusing to give the Pressy of Syria a ride, as he’s not quite Jewish enough.

Meanwhile, back at the farm, the Jews killed twenty-seven Syrian workers who were packing vegetables in a box - mushy peas. Why ‘veggies in a box’ is an affront to the national self-importance of the Jews is not properly explained on the label. Organic lunch Syrian-style is a few hundredweight of germs that you haven’t seen before, so all this vegetarianism could get a bit iffy.

As I said a week ago, the American’s have lost the war in southern Afghanistan, they officially retreated two days ago leaving the place to a multi-national peacekeeping force. What wasn’t mentioned was that the multi-national peacekeeping force is made up of Moslems from all round the world that are part of the Taliban. Nobody knows if they are on holiday or not, but the suspicion is that they aren’t, as they have just killed a few British and Canadian soldiers that were stuck at the luggage carousel looking for their suitcases, jolly bad luck.

Halliburton has just been given $400 million by Bush to build detention centers (read: holiday camps) in America for all those citizen that don’t have a 747 like Condi that fancy a week or two in the sun; the barbed wire we have been told is so the kiddies don’t go running off getting lost. Meanwhile, thousands of soldiers have been sent to the southern border to make sure Mexicans coming to the US for a bit of R &R don’t make it. It’s like Club Med really; if you haven’t got any of those stupid beads you don’t get a drink. Never mind eh?

Vlad the Impaler and Ivan the Terrible have taken a few ecstasy tablets and gone dancing, and Caligula is relaxing in a health spa just north of Venice, reading “How to Win Friends and Influence People”…by crucifying them on the road to Rome.

God has gotten fed up with all this so she’s gone down to the ‘Dog and Duck’ for a drink to work it all out. There she met an itinerant author called Stuie Wilde who suggested we rub the lot out and start again. God started crying and then Stuie started to cry, then everyone in the pub was crying, and that spread all round the East End, and soon the whole of London began to cry, and finally six billion people were crying, so the animals started to cry.

Hitler wasn’t crying. He’d given the kiddies uniforms and he was marching them up and down the beach, and the Pressy of Persia wasn’t crying either; he’s a big U2 fan, and he was reading “How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb”…and ship it in your carry-on luggage back to Tehran.

I’m selling my red plastic bucket and spade on eBay. I don’t think I’ll be needing it for a while.



© Stuart Wilde 2006
www.stuartwilde.com